You guys are gonna love this. I laughed and laughed and then I cried and cried and then my head exploded.
Firstly, I think it’s about time I introduced you to Sparkly Wand. After all you know me almost as intimately as Sparkly Wand does, so I think you guys need to meet.
Sparkly Wand is very pleased to meet you, but not as glad as he is when he meets me, a fact for which I am sure you are all very grateful.
So yesterday Sparkly Wand and I had another date. I wore my best underwear and he was, as always, very chivalrous, making sure he was clean, lubricated and not too cold. I’ve been seeing so much of him lately and he was just not giving me what I needed, I thought maybe he was getting bored of me. And then yesterday he surprised me. He gave me a beautiful gift; five follicles. Five, mature, healthy follicles.
Oh it was so beautiful and romantic. I cried a little and almost hugged him. I didn’t, coz I thought he should have a shower first.
And then his parents walked in on us. That killed the mood alright.
As soon as the sonographer told me that the Doctor wants to talk to me, I thought “uh oh, trouble.” Usually I get seen by the nurses who advise, prescribe, inject and send me on my way. Seeing a doctor at what ought to be a same old, same old appointment is never a good sign.
Sparkly Wand’s Mommy sent Sparkly Wand away with a clip in his ear, sat me down and warned me that Sparkly Wand’s gift, whilst well intentioned was no good for me. Apparently since all five of my follicles are mature there is a risk of multiple pregnancies. I’m okay with two, but five? FIVE???? That’s a whole hand. I’d have to take both gloves off to count my kids.
What was Mommy’s advice? Practice safe sex. Use condoms or abstain. I laughed and laughed so hard. I’m trying to get pregnant. Abstinence ain’t gonna do it. But it’s my choice, do I want to take the risk. Really? Do I?? What to do? Well, first I cried and cried.
I feel like I’m hanging upside down on top of a beer keg with a giant straw in my mouth with everyone around me chanting “do it, do it, do it,” except for one voice of reason who is whispering in my ear, “don’t do it, it’s too risky.” But, I really want to be one of the cool kids, not some loser who can’t handle their alcohol or their eggs.
So I did what every mature adult does. Ignore Mommy and go to Daddy. My consultant (who was not available yesterday) advised that since we’ve been trying for so long it’s highly unlikely that all five will take so we should ignore Mommy and “do it.” Oh yes, I get to play with the cool kids again.
The doctor obviously doesn’t know me very well, because with my luck, not only will all five little eggs fight their way towards super sperms, but one will split and I’ll be a human gumball machine. Or Pringles. Once you pop…
I’m hoping that even though my dearly beloved husband has quit smoking (well, mostly), that some of his super sperms are still coughing and wheezing in the smoking section and will be too breathless to reach the finish line.
Five follicles, yay, turned into a nay and now into a may. I’m so confused, like Ana Steele in a revolving door.
But at least if it all goes wrong, Sparkly Wand and I can tell Mommy, “but Daddy said we should.”
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