I cheated on Sparkly Wand today. Yes, everyone, I had a date with Sparkly Wand’s bad-boy cousin, InSPECt’er Cavity. He was nothing like Sparkly Wand; he was cold, hard and frankly quite hurtful. I’ve tried apologising to Sparkly Wand. I’ve told him it didn’t mean anything. But Sparkly Wand is sad; he might need to borrow Sad Pony for a while.

Sparkly Wand has lost his sparkle.

Sparkly Wand has lost his sparkle.

InSPECt'er Cavity ... only with fewer teeth

InSPECt’er Cavity … only with fewer teeth

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

InSPECt’er Cavity, a gynaecological instrument of torture designed by the Spanish Inquisition … or possibly Christian Grey …   subjected me to the kind of test that Human Rights activists should protest against with placards and angry letters to their politicians. Forget water-boarding, these vaginal forms of torture are being performed right under our noses, in clinics everywhere, and we’re all being seduced into believing that it’s for our own good.

I can handle it myself.

I can handle it myself.

I will omit the icky details of the exam, partially because even I, with my totally desensitised mind, don’t want to relive the experience, but mainly because I really like you guys and wouldn’t want to put you through the torture. For those of you with an imagination, now is not the time to exercise that gift; and for those of you without, be grateful.

As my Consultant, InSPECt’er Cavity’s wing man, prepared me for the InSPECt’er’s  assault, his nurse and I joked how fortunate men are with their appendages with no speculums (speculii?) in their futures and if the males of the species had to give birth, the world would come to an end. Great idea!!  Poke fun at the guy who is elbow deep inside you with a plastic yawn.

It comes out from where...?

It comes out from where…?

I do not have an intelligent vagina; no smart IQ points were found in my “down there.” On the contrary, it turns out that my husband’s super swimmers may be working in a hostile environment. Whilst they diligently come to work every day ready for action, my cervix is slamming the door in their faces. I fear I may have to kick my own vagina off Team Vagina. She’s letting down the sisterhood. Traitorous Bitch!!

InSPECt’er Cavity and I have history. A few months ago, before I met Sparkly Wand, I had a tentative first date with InSPECt’er Cavity. His team of doctor and nurses drinking buddies thought it would be a fun idea to inject me with a dye and see if my uterus glowed, like Ana Steele’s head would if someone shone a light in her ear.

I was prepared for the test, or at least I thought I was. The doctor warned me that there may be a slight pain and then proceeded to give me antibiotics and analgesics, with a street value of about £1000, to be inserted into every imaginable orifice before the test, you know, as a precaution.

The blue ones go in, the pink ones go up and the yellow ones go down.

The blue ones go in, the pink ones go up and the yellow ones go down.

I’ve become a bit of an expert at interpreting doctor speak.  If they say, “this won’t hurt a bit,” prepare for a little discomfort. If they try to prepare you with a “you’ll feel a slight pinch,” you should know that it’s gonna hurt like a son-of-a bitch. And if they actually ever admit that “this might be a little bit uncomfortable,” you should prepare your last will and testament. If any of those statements is accompanied by prophylactic painkillers, run, run away as fast as you possibly can, but remember to take the drugs with you, you can sell them to make your way across the border.

medical jargon

InSPECt’er Cavity was a real douche. Imagine someone shoving a duck’s beak inside you and then asking it to quack … loudly.* He wasn’t sensitive and careful, not like Sparkly Wand. His rough and ready attitude caused me a slight injury and I swear my vagina felt like it was on fire, and not in the cool King of Leon kind of way. I honestly thought that I would never pee again, never mind have the ability to procreate. There are not enough painkillers, or mind-altering drugs, in the world to block out the memory of that pain. I could feel what the walls of my house feel when I’m having a party. There was a party in my vagina, complete with hot chili and tequila, and I wasn’t invited.

burning vag

After that test I swore I would never see InSPECt’er Cavity again and I really meant it at the time, especially after I met Sparkly Wand. But then he flirted with me, showered me with a compliment or two and solemnly swore, “I only want to see you naked, I promise I won’t take any pictures,” and this stupid gal fell for it. Well, I could never resist a bit of a bad boy.

InSPECt'er Cavity's gang tattoo.

InSPECt’er Cavity’s gang tattoo.

But, now I know better. Sparkly Wand, I make this promise to you. I will never see InSPECt’er Cavity again…. at least I hope not.

*I came up with this duck analogy ages ago, and when searching for an image I discovered that speculum has another definition, “a bright iridescent patch of colour on the wings of certain birds, especially ducks.” True Story!! I couldn’t make this up.

Pretty on the outside - where it should stay!

Pretty on the outside – where it should stay!

23 responses »

  1. So sorry about the so icky DUCK experience!! And CRAY CRAY about the speculum definition relation to ducks. Doctors are cruel….

  2. becca3416 says:

    Ouch. That reminds me. I have a cavity search scheduled myself. Bleh.

  3. MissFourEyes says:

    InSPECt’er Cavity, HOW DARE YOU HURT MY GIRL!

  4. Ugh, I hate the InSPECt’er. He’s a big jerk – but I keep going back! Just. Can’t. Stop. Myself. *sob*

    But I hope he at least gives you some answers and/or help!

  5. ericjbaker says:

    Well, it might be appalling of me to say something sympathetic, since I obviously (at least I hope it’s obvious) haven’t had this experience. However, I have learned the hard way what “You may feel some discomfort” means in doctor speak.

    I take it this device was not designed by a woman.

  6. MaximumWage says:

    I’ve learned soooo much about vaginas. I think I’m an expert now. Also I hear that if you yell into a vagina and you hear an echo its goodluck. And I know exactly what you’re talking about with doctors.

    I once had a doctor do a blood test, he knew I was looking at that needle apprehensively and he blurts out, “This is going to hurt like a mother fucker.” I shat my pants… “Just joking” he said through laughter. I dont like doctors anymore.

    • Storkhunter says:

      Nice doctor you had there. I would have kicked him in the nuts and said “oh just kidding.”
      I’m gonna have to try that echo thing now. My doctor will think I’m crazy, but I fear that ship has long sailed.

  7. Oh, wow. Sounds horrible. What you say about the doctor speak is so true. I hope things look up! It’s a wonderful post…at least you can be humorous about it. Everything about seeing the OB doc gives me the creepies. I remember feeling quite a lot of discomfort with an amnio, and it doesn’t sound as bad as what you went through.

  8. saradraws says:

    Wow, your nether regions are getting a lot of action.
    and seriously, how unfair is it that there’s no penis speculums? I mean, all the dudes get is a friendly finger and a gentle cupping.
    I’m telling you, if women were in charge, things would be a lot different.
    Anyway, glad you lived to talk about it. I have one coming up. The first in 3 years. I HATE THEM WITH THE FURY OF A THOUSAND ANGRY GODS.
    Once, I even had an old, rude, gruff, impatient doctor shove that thing in me WITHOUT WARNING and when I made noise, he’s all “oh come on, it’s not that bad”. FOR REAL. Then I said to him “maybe you should try it”, and that shut him up. Dick.
    Anyway, speculums are terrible. In this day and age when they have thin fibre optics, you’d think they could do better.
    Hope your cervix starts warming up to your man swimmers.

  9. Storkhunter says:

    If my doctor would have said that to me I would have given him a demonstration. I’m fortunate that my doctor is a really lovely fellow, he even took the good natured ribbing me and the nurse were giving him. Until he came out with the comment that if men had to give birth then they would have already invented a machine for it. Because men are smart and women are stupid (well, he didn’t quite say that but it was implied). I wasn’t going to argue with him. After all with the speculum shoved inside me I kind of figured that maybe he had a point.
    Why don’t these super smart men invent a machine for women’s benefit? Hmmm maybe because then the careers of men like him would be fruitless ( pun intended).

  10. The weirdest thing I find about all this vagina poking, is how the Docs wait respectfully outside while we disrobe, knock gently on the door asking permission to enter and then get the full view anyway

  11. Zomg, hahahahaha! Sad Pony is so yours if you need to borrow him. Squirrel too, although he’s not all that helpful. He might run up your pants leg. Depends on if you like that sort of thing. After the gyno, I might not want anyone touching me. Don’t feel bad about the uterus. Mine was hostile too, esp after a kid jumped the hell out of it. They had to take that sucker OUT it was so hostile.

    You have no idea how much I needed this laugh today. THANK YOU.

A Little Birdie Told Me...

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s