If I had £1 for every NaNo word I’ve written I would … well, you guys wouldn’t see me for a while. I’d probably be shoe shopping. Yes, I did it, I wrote 50,000 words in under 30 days. But novel, shmovel, who cares about that when I got me some new blog bling? Yes, it counts!
As I peeked my head out from behind my computer screen my eyes adjusting to the new light conditions I was faced with some harsh realities. It seemed my house had missed me; someone had written “clean me,” with their fingers in the dust, I have cobwebs that would make Miss Havisham blush and my shower, well, it needs a shower.
There’s also a strange man sitting on my couch, he looks familiar though, so I might let him stay and Offspring the First has resorted to eating out the garbage. But the last straw was when I realised the accidental load of laundry I did two days ago was still in the washing machine, calling for an immediate rewash leaving the kid to wear yesterday’s pyjamas after today’s bath.
Problem is that my work is not done. I may have written 50,000 words (well 55k actually, but who’s counting at this point), but my novel ain’t finished and I still have this crazy notion to finish it before the month is out. And then comes the editing, rewriting, hell, let’s just say that it’s going to be a completely different novel by the time I’m done slicing and dicing. I also have a 28 page magazine to produce within the next three weeks and I’m trying to maintain a healthy blog post average. Life is tough when you’re trying to achieve stuff. It’s so much easier being lazy and watching TV all day. Why don’t I just do that instead? My brain thanks me. I think. Sometimes it lets me down so badly, that I wonder.
My point, and I promise I have one, is that I’ve come to the conclusion that I need an assistant. Hiring an assistant will allow me to finish my novel, do the blasted charity magazine, my other writing jobs and most importantly read, comment on and reply to blog posts. In short, I will never have to leave the comfort of the internet-verse ever again.
The crazy lucky applicant will have the following duties:
- Read shitty books like 50 Shades of Grey so that I can partake, and win, in Alice’s Pop Quiz contest. Okay, I’m winning now … but next time.
- Check my WordPress stats every five minutes.
- Come up with ideas for my blog posts and let me take all the credit. I’ll change any names, so it won’t be stealing, right?
- Fill out the seventeen gillion forms I get for my son. They don’t let you have a disabled kid without selling your writing hand to the paper devil.
- Keep my appointments diary and if they could keep my dates with Sparkly Wand instead of me, that would be awesome. That’s right, I’m pimping out Sparkly Wand.
- Argue with bank tellers and automaton Call Centre robots.
- Light household chores, including killing spiders.
- Prop me up in public places to avoid any humiliating faceplant incidents and make sure I NEVER leave the house with a hint of granny pants showing.
- Listen to my husband talk about his workday and nod sympathetically.
- Wear a mask with my picture on it and read to Offspring the First at bedtime.
The Applicant will also be subject to the following rules:
- Never, ever, ever use the words, oh my, crap, double crap, triple crap. In fact, all multiples of crap are strictly prohibited. Whilst words like ass, shit, fuck, poop and buttplug will not be a required daily usage, the applicant may not be squeamish about them.
- They must speak, you know, like, good English.
- Appreciate the value of a nap … for me.
- When it comes to the computer, I am like Christian Grey. It is mine. Do not touch. In fact, I may or may not have peed on the keyboard. Touch it at your peril.
There will be no fiscal remuneration. Working for a creative genius like me is reward enough.
If you think you’re crazy enough, submit your applications in the comments section below. Good luck!
- Introducing Sparkly Wand (storkhunting.com)
- I’m Not Crazy, I’ve Been Tested (storkhunting.com)
- Day Twenty-Five: Ah crap, endings… (lauralonergan.wordpress.com)
- Behind the scenes on ‘Great Expectations’ (telegraph.co.uk)