You lot made Google explode.

The good people at WordPress have, in their incredible wisdom, provided us with so many reasons to keep checking our Stats page: number of site visits per day/week/month/year, how many bloggers, tweeters and other social media-ites share the love, and which country thinks you are awesomest. At this point I’m seriously considering making my Stats page my home page.

But it’s the weird and wacky search engine terms that people have used that have led them to my blog that’s the most fun. I’m equally intrigued, disturbed and downright petrified.

Here’s a sampling of the weirdness that is internet users.

Storkhunting

I can only hope that the myriad searchers using this term are not going all Dick Cheney on my winged baby transporters.

Avian flew. Not avian flu. Please don’t kill my baby carriers

My husband’s hunting is hurtful

Kick him out, get a divorce. Or send him hunting with Cheney.

Porn Stork Pool

Is that the same as a party at Hef’s house only with birds instead of bunnies?

Having sex with someone suffering from stork leg

Okay, I had to Google this one. Turns out it’s an actual condition where sufferers may have loss of sensation in their lower extremities. So why would you want to have sex with someone who can’t feel anything, you sick fuck.

How to make an entrance attractive upstairs

Shave. Or go the full Brazilian.

If I have lunch at 1am and work nights and we have to set our clocks back what time would I have lunch?

And if tea is at 6 and dinner is at 9 how old am I?

Teethers look like pussy

Ana Steele searching for a teether for her baby daughter?

I saved this image as “pussy teether.” I feel bad about that.

Christian Grey cured of kinkiness

Yep, with a pussy shaped teether.

Which book was popsicle a safe word in Fifty Shades?

Sweet sentimental memories of summer. Gone. Just like that. Please tell me, dear Google/Bing or whatever user that you wanted to know this because you felt compelled to shred the book into smithereens. I’m holding on to that thought. It’ll help me sleep at night.

Whiny cold posts on facebook

My dearly beloved will be so happy that his man cold is being equated with Facebook trolls. I know it’s made my day.

Hunting facial hair

A proud moment for Bloggers for Movember.

What is count of fucking storks during sex

Maybe they got bored of counting sheep.

One … two… oh my god…. snore

Stork sex tube

Bird porn? Porn for birds? Stork penises? I don’t even know. I tried finding myself with this and the results made me blush. And I thought nothing could shock me anymore.

Muscle man dolls sex

GI Joe not working for you?

Dear son fucking me

This one killed me. Incest!! That’s exactly the type of people I want reading an emotional heartfelt letter to my son. Just perfect.

Kinky fuckery meaning

It’s in the pervert dictionary between “buttplugs” and “oh my god I’m going to die.”

Ooh ooh baby fuck me stork

So that’s what I need to do to get pregnant!

Wha?? I didn’t know there was a choice!

Not one search term involving “pee” and only two with “vagina.” Gotta admit I was a little disappointed.

But should I really be surprised that I am a magnet for a veritable conglomeration of sickos, perverts and people too filthy to ever be allowed to mingle amongst real people?

Let’s look at the evidence. 4 months and 43 blog posts (not including this one) have produced the following words.

Vagina:                                                 33 times
Pee:                                                         19 times
Fuck or variation thereof:     14 times
Buttplug:                                            Just once (should be more – I really must amend that)
Shit:                                                       4 times
Ass/arse:                                             6 times
Sex/sexy:                                            26 times
Period:                                                 12 times

I am clearly contributing to the society’s depravity.

But, your honour, it’s not my fault. I am only pandering to my readers whims. How, you ask? Well, on the day I posted my Vagina post, I got the most hits, the most likes and the most followers. And every writer worth their salt knows that they need to know their audience. I’m only giving my delightfully obscene minded, fucking loyal readers exactly what they want.

So as long as you fuckers keep reading, my deliriously happy filthy mind will stay firmly in the gutter to keep you knee-deep in vaginas, buttplugs and the ubiquitous pee.

That’s going straight on my wish list.

21 responses »

  1. Krafty Karen says:

    ROFLMAO – thank god I had put down my cuppa before reading this – otherwise it would have been spat all over the screen. You are just so funny, btw I first typed that as fanny – see you have dragged me down with you!!!!!

  2. Teethers look like pussy? I’m seriously LOLing right now. You’ve got some interesting keywords on this blog. No wonder I like it so much.

  3. Carrie Rubin says:

    It’s kind of like a nasty cycle, because this post, with all its delightful imagery and language, will only net you worse search terms next time around… ;)

  4. Katie says:

    The way people come across my blog is shocking. I’ve had my fair share of weird search terms!

  5. After reading this post I don’t see anything else but 100 reasons to be incredibly proud of yourself!

    • Storkhunter says:

      Thanks. I’m going to print myself a certificate and hang it up :)
      It’s 115 reasons – that’s the number of naughty words I have used so far :) Yes, I actually added them up, used my fingers, toes and everything.

  6. MissFourEyes says:

    Hahahaa! These are hilarious! The pussy teether cracked me up!

  7. Snort! I love it. We’re so alike! I got the most followers, likes, etc from covering depravity as well! And stork porn? Awesome. We should have Stork and Sad Pony do a porno together. Think of all the new fans we could get!

  8. Haha.. never ceases to surprise me how perverted the strangers of the world are :-) Makes me feel better about myself!

  9. becca3416 says:

    More perverted posts please and thank you. But, seriously… stork sex tube? How does one even think up something like that. Thanks for giving us all the nasty stuff we really want to hear.

  10. Always good to know that I’ll be able to read more about buttplugs! I was super worried.

    Also, The CRAZIEST search terms are used to find people’s blogs! lol

  11. [...] Internet GPS: You Have Reached Your Destination (storkhunting.com) [...]

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