The good people at WordPress have, in their incredible wisdom, provided us with so many reasons to keep checking our Stats page: number of site visits per day/week/month/year, how many bloggers, tweeters and other social media-ites share the love, and which country thinks you are awesomest. At this point I’m seriously considering making my Stats page my home page.
But it’s the weird and wacky search engine terms that people have used that have led them to my blog that’s the most fun. I’m equally intrigued, disturbed and downright petrified.
Here’s a sampling of the weirdness that is internet users.
I can only hope that the myriad searchers using this term are not going all Dick Cheney on my winged baby transporters.
My husband’s hunting is hurtful
Kick him out, get a divorce. Or send him hunting with Cheney.
Porn Stork Pool
Is that the same as a party at Hef’s house only with birds instead of bunnies?
Having sex with someone suffering from stork leg
Okay, I had to Google this one. Turns out it’s an actual condition where sufferers may have loss of sensation in their lower extremities. So why would you want to have sex with someone who can’t feel anything, you sick fuck.
How to make an entrance attractive upstairs
Shave. Or go the full Brazilian.
If I have lunch at 1am and work nights and we have to set our clocks back what time would I have lunch?
And if tea is at 6 and dinner is at 9 how old am I?
Teethers look like pussy
Ana Steele searching for a teether for her baby daughter?
Christian Grey cured of kinkiness
Yep, with a pussy shaped teether.
Which book was popsicle a safe word in Fifty Shades?
Sweet sentimental memories of summer. Gone. Just like that. Please tell me, dear Google/Bing or whatever user that you wanted to know this because you felt compelled to shred the book into smithereens. I’m holding on to that thought. It’ll help me sleep at night.
Whiny cold posts on facebook
My dearly beloved will be so happy that his man cold is being equated with Facebook trolls. I know it’s made my day.
Hunting facial hair
A proud moment for Bloggers for Movember.
What is count of fucking storks during sex
Maybe they got bored of counting sheep.
Stork sex tube
Bird porn? Porn for birds? Stork penises? I don’t even know. I tried finding myself with this and the results made me blush. And I thought nothing could shock me anymore.
Muscle man dolls sex
GI Joe not working for you?
Dear son fucking me
This one killed me. Incest!! That’s exactly the type of people I want reading an emotional heartfelt letter to my son. Just perfect.
Kinky fuckery meaning
It’s in the pervert dictionary between “buttplugs” and “oh my god I’m going to die.”
Ooh ooh baby fuck me stork
So that’s what I need to do to get pregnant!
Not one search term involving “pee” and only two with “vagina.” Gotta admit I was a little disappointed.
But should I really be surprised that I am a magnet for a veritable conglomeration of sickos, perverts and people too filthy to ever be allowed to mingle amongst real people?
Let’s look at the evidence. 4 months and 43 blog posts (not including this one) have produced the following words.
Vagina: 33 times
Pee: 19 times
Fuck or variation thereof: 14 times
Buttplug: Just once (should be more – I really must amend that)
Shit: 4 times
Ass/arse: 6 times
Sex/sexy: 26 times
Period: 12 times
I am clearly contributing to the society’s depravity.
But, your honour, it’s not my fault. I am only pandering to my readers whims. How, you ask? Well, on the day I posted my Vagina post, I got the most hits, the most likes and the most followers. And every writer worth their salt knows that they need to know their audience. I’m only giving my delightfully obscene minded, fucking loyal readers exactly what they want.
So as long as you fuckers keep reading, my deliriously happy filthy mind will stay firmly in the gutter to keep you knee-deep in vaginas, buttplugs and the ubiquitous pee.
- Go Team Vagina!! (storkhunting.com)
- leorah’s Answers to “Ask Whatever” (musingsofasubmissive.wordpress.com)
- Sexytime Talk: Endless Boners, Bald Vaginas and Internet Infidelity (jezebel.com)